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Original stories by Shmolnick that humorously explore the dark side of humanity.

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Bubble's Revenge

Bubble lurked behind the large bush and rubbed the baseball bat lovingly. "Soon my child, soon," he cooed soothingly to his weapon of choice.

Inside the dimly lit home, voices could be heard chattering away. Bubble smiled, ignoring the drool leaking from his recently toothless mouth.

The Polish landlady could be heard chattering on the phone. Her grating ill-educated voice annoyed Bubble anew. But he held his rage and listened.

"Listen, that bum'll be outta there in a few weeks. I TOLD you, Stanislaw, the place is YOURS! I promised, yes......Don't worry."

"Him and his kike lawyer can go kiss my polish dupa.......Yeah, hah hah. Don't worry Stan. You'll get the apartment......Just be patient a bit longer.......Hey you don't have to threaten my......."

Suddenly, the front door burst open and in stormed a red-faced enraged Bubble, swinging the bat from left to right in front of him.

The landlady whispered into the phone, "Uh I gotta go Stan," and hung it up. She turned to her irate tenant. "And what the fuck do you think YOU'RE doing, you fucking bum?"

Bubble just smiled and continued swinging the bat in a low lazy arc. He began moving toward the landlady. "What....." he said in a low quiet voice, " I......think......i'm doing......heh heh..."

Something about his laugh unnerved the stupid polack. But she was stubborn, and continued to maintain a brave face, even as she backed away from the stalking Bubble. "Wh-what do you think you're doing with that bat? Are you threatening me?" Bubble continued to stalk her, slowly but surely.

"Get away from me you bum! I'll call the police!" she cried, suddenly in fear for her life.

Bubble grinned and gripped the bat anew. "Go ahead," he grinned. "Call em. Your brains'll be long smeared on your ugly polack walls by then, cunt."

"No! NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!! HELPP!!!!!" But the polack's cries fell on deaf ears. Being paranoid of her neighbors, she had soundproofed her home months ago. In fact, she was still trying to pay the bill for that job. Bubble's rumpled form loomed larger as he moved within inches of the hated polish woman. "Who's a fuckin bum now, eh?" he asked calmly, then swung the bat over his head.

"WHO'S...." SLAMM!! The bat came down hard on the top of the woman's unkempt hair, knocking her instantly down to the floor. "A FUCKIN...." BASH!!! CRACK!! Bubble brought the bat down hard twice more on the falling woman, exposing a growing hole in the side of her skull. "BUM....." SMASH!! The bat delivered the fatal blow to the opposite side of the polack's blood and brainbit-smeared head.

"RRRRAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!" Bubble's blood-curdling scream of rage brought about a new urgency in the raining of blows. The polack was dead already but Bubble had lost control and was simply delivering blow after bone-breaking blow as if some kind of automaton.

Several minutes later, Bubble took a step back to admire his handiwork. Breathing heavily, but mightily relieved, he absentmindedly pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down in it. He lit a cigarette and began drawing simple geometric designs in blood on the dirty yellowing floor, using the end of the bat as his paintbrush.

He gazed briefly at the battered corpse of the polack landlady and smiled, sucking deeply on the life-giving cigarette. The wall was splattered in blood, brains, and bone fragments. "Hunh," he muttered, "looks much better now." He finished his cigarette and shrugged. "Might as well see what's worth taking," he said to himself, and began rifling through the place.


2006 Michael S. Cohen

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The material in this section is intended for adults only, and even then, not for the faint-hearted. You can expect extreme weirdness, excessive sex, violence, and a host of horrors, albeit presented for humorous effect.

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