My illustrations.

>> More...

The blog...

Fresh posts...

>> More...
Now leaving main site.

Original stories by Shmolnick that humorously explore the dark side of humanity.

Including the latest:

An Audience with Lord Porkington

>> More...

EZ Seal of Approval

Shmolnick Scream

Bird drawing

Photo I took at the beach


Paging Dr. Cordell


Geoffrey Cordell was a pimp in the hood. He liked to wear the typically flashy, colorful clothes of the inner city pimp, and two or thee of his "prime" ho's always accompanied him where ever he went. While he wasn't the most successful pimp who ever lived, he was successful enough, and violent enough to garner some measure of fear and respect from other neighborhood denizens.

Pimp Geoffrey was watching TV one evening and happened to catch the end of a show about doctors. "Yo bitches," he chirped to a couple of ho's whose shifts had just ended, "Ah fink ah'd lahk to be one o dem docta mothafuckas. Whatchoo fink?" It wasn't a request for a reply; it was a demand.

Nia the latina ho, was quick to answer. "Oh Daddy, you'd make a FAHN docta I theenk."

Shawvelle, the fat buckess, didn't like Nia very much. "Muthafuckin spick always steppin awn Shawvelle's shit," she thought. So she too quickly offered up a reply to the black thug. "Dag Daddy, you knows it be be troof. You be aww lahk 'Docta Cawdell dis' an' 'Docta Cawdell dat."

Geoffrey chortled at the thought. Shawvelle shot a look of triumph at the diminutive Nia, who began thinking bad thoughts about the fat black girl.

"Dag bitches, dat soun' awwright wif me. Docta Cawdell, shee-it. Git aww dem drugs fo free. Do aww kahnds o' surgery n' sheeit."

Shawvelle rubbed her giant floppy tits on Geoffrey's back. "Yeah daddy," she began to say, but Geoffrey became instantly annoyed at the whore's touch.

"Git dem thangs off me bitch!" he commanded.

"Sorry Daddy," replied the big girl sheepishly. Nia smiled.

The day continued. Geoffrey's ho's would return from a "shift," and the black thug would send the next group out while he sat in his La-Z-Boy recliner ("dis chair be a gift an' sheeit," he'd said when he brought it upstairs; nobody questioned his tale), and watched Judge Judy. "Dag, dat Judge Judy be one HAHD NOSE mothafucka!" he would comment between cigarettes, beers and joints. Every once in a while, the pimp would gaze absently at the joint in his bony brown hand and mutter to himself, "Pagin' Docta Cawdell. Code blue n'sheeit, Docta Cawdell."

Chung Wa, Geoffrey's slim asian ho, cocked her head, confused. "Daddy, what code brue?"

Geoffrey hated stupid questions but had a soft spot in his heart this week for the still reasonably pretty asian slut. "Dag girl, you ah one STOOPID chink ho! Code blue be when a patient be aww dyin' n'sheeit." Geoffrey prided himself on his vast storehouse of useful knowledge and loved to show off in front of his girls.

Nia sneered at the girl. "You STOOPIT," she taunted Chung Wa. Nia hated Chung Wa and wanted to hurt the asian bitch. Before she arrived, Nia thought of herself as Geoffrey's favorite ho. Chung Wa frowned and walked out of the room. As she passed Nia, the latina ho whispered "Stoopit cheenk beetch, you ain't lasteen lawng."

Suddenly, the black pimp raised his lanky frame from the La-Z-Boy and announced, "Bitches, Daddy done decide he gwine be a Docta! Naw let's git dose asses awn da street so Docta Cawdell can git hisse'f a practice n'sheeit."

Shawvelle looked puzzled. "Daddy, whatchoo gwine practice?" she asked, as usual rubbing her brown chub all over the pimp.

Geoffrey slapped the fat girl away. "DAG BITCH! WHAT AH TELL YO ASS?" He raised his fist threateningly, at which the fat black whore cowered, whimpering. "Best watch dat mouf bitch, o' you be Docta Cawdell's foist patient to go unda da knife!"

Nia stifled a giggled. Shawvelle gave the latina an angry middle finger.

And off they went.


As Geoffrey Cordell and his three girls strutted through the neighborhood, Doctor Murray Feldman was having a particularly busy day. Dr. Feldman was a general practitioner who served the area just adjacent to Geoffrey's part of town. It wasn't as downtrodden as the slum, and the liberal doctor had dedicated himself to serving the working poor who resided there. Even so, he was not in a great mood today. He was being pressed hard by insurers on several procedures that needed to be approved for his patients, and Nancy, his best nurse, had come in late. He leaned over the front counter that divided the treatment rooms from the waiting room and skimmed the file of his next patient, rubbing his tired eyes under his glasses.

The door to the waiting room burst open and in walked a tall, thin black man with a fuzzy purple hat and long purple leopard skin overcoat and three hookers. "Yo, wheah da docta be at?" he asked in a loud, vaguely menacing voice.

Marion, the frumpy woman who served as receptionist, was taken aback. A no-nonsense type, Marion stood up and said, "Excuse me, do you have an appointment, sir?" The accent on "sir" revealed her displeasure at the intrusion.

Behind her, Nancy stopped in mid-stride between waiting rooms and Dr. Feldman picked his head up from the file he'd been reading. "What the-" he started to ask, annoyed.

Geoffrey strutted behind the counter and signaled for his girls to follow him. "You can't come behind here," Marion started to protest.

"Shut up, woman," spat Geoffrey. As if on cue, Nia grabbed Marion's cheek, digging her nails into the woman's flesh. She yelped, and fear filled her eyes with tears.

"Shut da fuck up, beetch," ordered Nia. She shook the woman's head, her nails still clutching the baggy cheekflesh. "You not so tough naw, ain't you?" she taunted. Marion was openly crying now, the words "please" and "no" sputtering out between sobs. The other girls laughed.

The rest of the waiting room had emptied out, the patients leaving hurriedly at the first sign of trouble.

Dr. Feldman angrily approached Geoffrey. "Now see here-" he started to say, but Geoffrey was quick to shove the smaller man back against a file cabinet.

"You da docta, dawg?" he insisted, his bony black fist clutching the front of Dr. Feldman's white lab coat.

"Hey, let go of me!" squawked Dr. Feldman.

Geoffrey slapped him hard with the back of his free hand. "Ah AXED you a question. You da docta, dawg?" He glared at the doctor.

Shawvelle giggled and approached Nancy the nurse, who was still frozen in terror. Chung Wa had replaced Marion at the receptionist's chair, and was chirping happily as she deliberately began messing up all the papers and other items on the desk.

The slap took the fight out of Dr. Feldman and he nodded vigorously. "Yes, y-yes, I'm the doctor."

Geoffrey let go of the doctor's lab coat and grinned broadly. "Sheeit, dat aww you had to say, Docta Dawg!" he said. "Naw den, wheah yo office be at?"

Dr. Feldman jerked his thumb behind him in the direction of his office.

"You got all dem drugs n sheeit back theah, doc? Sheeit, ah likes yo fancy lab coat. Take dat shit off," he commanded.

"What?" asked the now petrified doctor.

Geoffrey's face flashed sudden anger. "Dag Docta Dawg, you deaf o'sumthin? TAKE IT OFF NAW!" He raised his fist.

The doctor quickly shed the lab coat and handed it to the black thug, who snatched it out of his hand.

Shawvelle meanwhile had Nurse Nancy in a corner and was already shoving her chubby hand between the woman's legs. "Yeah you n me gwine be GOOD friends," she cooed, and roughly pulled the name tag on the woman's own lab coat toward her. She read the name aloud. "Nancy," said Shawvelle. "Nurse Nancy," she giggled and invaded the stricken nurse's mouth with her own sloppy tongue, her hand now enjoying the wetness between the white woman's legs.

Geoffrey shoved the doctor ahead of him down the hall. As they passed the first examination room, he dragged the doctor into it. "Yo Nia, git yo fahn ass in heah. Ah need yo to "assist" me wif ol' Docta Dawg heah."

Dr. Feldman backed into the corner of the examination room and began begging. "Please, I'll do anything. I've got money. You want drugs? I'll give you drugs!"

Nia closed the door behind her and giggled, her hand caressing Geoffrey's arm. The pimp laughed. "Lookit Docta Dawg, all scared an sheeit. Well Docta Dawg, Docta Cawdell 'bout to operate awn yo ass."

"No please," begged the doctor, who was now on his knees.

Geoffrey looked around the room and spied a pen on the counter. He licked his lips and studied the pen, screwing up his face in mock concentration. "Hmm, dis gwine have t'do, Nurse Nia," he said.

"Give eet to heem good, Daddy," said Nia.

Geoffrey raised the pen above his head and sneered at the crying doctor on his knees. "Pagin Docta Cawdell," he growled.


Geoffrey Cordell sat in his La-Z-Boy, a can of Colt 45 on one arm of the chair, his hand with the TV remote in the other. Nia and Chung Wa were about to go out for the next shift. Shawvelle was busy with her new project in the back room. Intermittent cries and shouts could be heard from within.
The white lab coat splattered with blood barely fit the tall black criminal, but Geoffrey liked wearing it. "Docta Cawdell," he mused in a low voice, more interested in channel hopping.

"STUPID BITCH!" came the piercing shout from the back room, followed by a series of sharp THWACKS then another woman's sobs.

Geoffrey frowned. "SHAWVELLE, don't make me come back theah bitch," he warned in a loud voice. The noise subsided.

Nia and Chung Wa giggled. Geoffrey glared at them both and growled, "Whatchoo bitches still doin' here? Git dem asses o'mine on dat street!"

The girls hurried out the door.

Geoffrey settled on a channel and watched, sipping the cold Colt. "Dag, dat Judge Judy be one HAHD NOSE mothafucka!"


© 2009 Michael S. Cohen

<< Back to Crazy Shit

^ Back to Top of page ^

Copyright© 2006,, Inc - All rights reserved.

Contact the webmaster

The Huffington Post - news/blog/celebrity boob site - who gets what $$ in politics
The Web Developer's List of Resources
Raw Story - news for progressives
Daily Kos - progressive political blog
CNN - horrific corporate media
MSNBC - more horrific corporate media
Gamespot - for pc and video gamers
The Elder Geek - great site for windows do-it-yourselfers
Astronomy Picture of the Day Archive

Almost 200 original cartoons by Shmolnick, including art created using Windows Live Messenger.

>> More...


The material in this section is intended for adults only, and even then, not for the faint-hearted. You can expect extreme weirdness, excessive sex, violence, and a host of horrors, albeit presented for humorous effect.

>> More...

Six of my latest tunes on the Music page!