Shmolnick.com

  

My illustrations.

>> More...


The blog...

Fresh posts...


>> More...
Now leaving main site.


Original stories by Shmolnick that humorously explore the dark side of humanity.

Including the latest:

An Audience with Lord Porkington

>> More...




EZ Seal of Approval


Shmolnick Scream


Bird drawing


Photo I took at the beach

Stories

Geoffrey Cordell, Generous Provider

Geoffrey Cordell was watching Jerry Springer on TV late one afternoon in his apartment at the Hotel Excellente. He was sipping a tasty Colt 45 and chain smoking Kools while awaiting the arrival of his day shift ho's. He glanced at his watch, which he'd stolen off the corpse of a john who tried to rip off one of his ho's.

"Dag, awwmos' fo' fuhty, wheah dem stupit ho's be at wit mah money?" he grumbled. Then his attention was diverted by the action on the TV. A pair of fat black women were fighting over a skinny white guy, much to the studio audience's delight.

"Sheeit, dat whaht boy got his hands FULL o' fat nigga pussy," Geoffrey cackled.

Suddenly the door opened and in walked two of his prime dayshift ho's, the tall thin black girl Sharronda and Carlotta the crazy latina with the fine booty. "Hi Daddy," they squealed as they handed the day's haul over to their pimp. "We done good today, daddy," offered Sharronda.

Geoffrey ignored the black girl, but eyeballed Carlotta's bubble butt. "Dag woman, dat booty be CALLIN' t'Geoffrey Cawdell!" he exclaimed, counting the money. "Geoffrey feelin' generous t'day, bitches." He handed a twenty dollar bill to both whores, who thanked the tall black thug profusely.

"Naw git, Geoffrey Cawdell got some BIDniss," ordered Geoffrey. He watched the TV again for a minute, ignoring the girls. "Dag, dem bitches be too much fo dat po' honky mothafucka."

The two whores looked at the twenties in their hands and frowned. Carlotta had still not learned when to keep quiet; Sharronda shook her head vigorously at the latina to prevent her from complaining. Carlotta was too angry not to speak up. "Daddy, why you geeve us dees sheet? We work HAHD fo' dat sheet!"

Geoffrey's jaw dropped in shock at this rebellion, revealing his shiny gold tooth which reflected part of the TV image. "Say WHAT?"

He stood up and Carlotta immediately regretted her hasty words. Sharronda moved to another part of the apartment, her hands up in the air in frustrated dismissal.

"Please Daddy, I not mean notheen by eet!" pleaded the latina, now frightened for her life.

"Dat be good bitch, cuz ah don't mean nuffin by DIS!" The pimp's large bony hand connected with the latina's surprised face, WHACK! Then the back hand swipe completed the sharp bitch slap, THWACK! "O' DIS!" growled Geoffrey, now thoroughly enraged at the ho's poor attitude. "Bitch, we go on Jerry Springa n'sheeit, ah be doin' da beatin on you fat spick ass!" And he grabbed Carlotta roughly by her long black hair.

"Naw you gone loin a impo'tent lessum, you dumb bitch!" spat Geoffrey, and he proceeded to bitchslap the poor crying latina until her tear-stained makeup was running in rivulets through the blood from her nose and mouth. Her sobs, which had been mixed with pleading words, now sounded more like the sounds an animal makes when it is caught in a trap. Geoffrey grinned as he delivered his "lessum" to the errant slut. Suddenly a stray droplet of the girl's blood ricocheted and struck Geoffrey's gold tooth. He stopped slapping to rub the precious tooth and looked at the tiny drop of blood that came off on his brown unmanicured finger. "DAG YOU GOT YO BLOOD ON MAH MUTHAFUCKIN TOOF!" he cried, and began punching the poor girl in the face.

Within minutes, the girl was unconscious on the floor, her fine body lurching to and fro as Geoffrey stomped her with his boots. "STOOPIT HO GONE LOIN!" he was yelling over and over.

Sharronda peeked out of the back room to see if it was safe to come out. Geoffrey stood huffing and puffing, his anger finally abating. "Girl, clean dis mess up, o you be nest!" he commanded. The tall thin buckess obeyed.

Geoffrey sat back down in his La-Z-Boy chair and lit a Kool. "Dag, it be tough bein' generous n'sheeit," he murmured between sips of Colt 45.

THE END.

© 2009 Michael S. Cohen

<< Back to Crazy Shit



^ Back to Top of page ^

Copyright© 2006, Shmolnick.com, Inc - All rights reserved.

Contact the webmaster

The Huffington Post - news/blog/celebrity boob site
www.davidcosgrove.com
opensecrets.org - who gets what $$ in politics
The Web Developer's List of Resources
Raw Story - news for progressives
Daily Kos - progressive political blog
CNN - horrific corporate media
MSNBC - more horrific corporate media
Gamespot - for pc and video gamers
The Elder Geek - great site for windows do-it-yourselfers
Astronomy Picture of the Day Archive


Almost 200 original cartoons by Shmolnick, including art created using Windows Live Messenger.

>> More...




WARNING!

The material in this section is intended for adults only, and even then, not for the faint-hearted. You can expect extreme weirdness, excessive sex, violence, and a host of horrors, albeit presented for humorous effect.

>> More...


Six of my latest tunes on the Music page!